random chain of random thoughts ...

I don’t know why I am the bitter person that I am. I honestly don’t want to be. I love people who are in love with life and who’re constantly upto one thing or the other. No scratch that. I am insanely jealous of those people who are like that. I mean that’s what life’s all about right? (not the jealousy, I mean being upto various activities). At least to me it is. The world is such a large place with so many great places to see, adventures to experience, feelings to…well, feel!, lessons to be learnt… how very unfortunate that most of us are stuck in pre destined forms of life created for them by their parents. No scratch “most of us”. I mean ME.

I dream of a world where every individual IS an individual in the very sense of the word. Where people live and let live. Unfortunately mine is a society where people seriously limit your freedom. My mom is the one who’s always imposing me with the idea that my image in the society is what matters the most in life. I know I must care for a reputation ( and yeah it’s not exactly like I want to be a pole dancer or anything). I just … wanna explore the world and see what those experiences make me. I wanna grow.. I’m just so terribly static right now. There are a lot of you out there who by the time they’re my age have been to a whole load of places, have met innumerable people and are just….on the go every minute.

Anyway, this started off as a post about my being a bitter person and it’s become something else. SEE, I cant even write properly. So there goes my chance at being a writer/editor/journalist. Not like I was hoping to be one anyway. I don’t think that’s what I want. I was just saying. Maybe I’m just random and cant think one thought at a time. Or maybe, as my English education right now isn’t going very well, it’s not my fault. Or maybe I’m a failure at one more thing. (writing something coherent!)

Anyway, so I am completely filled with hate. Every single thing in the universe will generate a sarcastic/ “who cares about how pretty/smart/awesome you are, I have enough problems of my own” type of response. GAH. I HATE HOW I HATE SO MUCH. And I sort of know the reason. See my life hasn’t actually been as … happy as an average person’s. Or maybe I’m just a being rotten, ungrateful prat. I don’t know.

Anyway, all this. It’s making me VERY anti social. There’s just absolutely nothing called security in me . I am surprised to find myself loved and actually wanted by people… (wanted, HAHA). Ahem, anyway.

So yeah. I hate people in general. They are dumb, conceited, stereotyped, are ready to lecture you about how you should do things/ the way you should think about things (FUCK YOU SO CALLED PATRIOTS) .. (this is from a recent experience), and are ever, ever ready to trample on your self esteem and derive great pleasure from it. And then going off to hunt for some bunnies.

All this may make me seem like a 6 year old girl who gets bullied everyday. I don’t. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. But that doesn’t make them any right-er.

GRR. I was SO different from this hateful person when I was smaller. Ignorance is bliss, shall we say? I was full of life and optimistic and NEVER EVER lost hope. I miss me. I give up these days. On everything.

Anyway, it’s about 2:30 and I have got school tomorrow. Don’t even get me started on that mental place. I feel suffocated there. Fucking shallow, dumb people in front of whom I smile my fake smile and they don’t even notice it. Or maybe they do but just not care. Yeah, should be the latter.

Mehh. Signing off.